The NYS Fair

Guest blogger tonight:

Dude, I'm so jacked up fo da fare!! I done saved my alowence from my mom ALL year just to rock it August 2010 style!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

I bought me the $25 all you can ride ticket. There are so many COOL rides like da tilt a wirl and da yukon and da top spin that I luv so much! I specially luv the musik on da tilt a wirl like Jay Z and shit! It rox!

Check out da honey I met at the West End. Amie! I was hittin the $2.50 PBR me and man was I wasted! See my pics with my missin fingers from my deefekt? She done boughted me a Hinekin and I knew she had $$$$$! I took her home to my room. Ya boy!! You know what I'm sayin? Right! I culdn't beleve it that she lived next to me at the park. She has a rotwiler just like my mom! I'm thinkin I will merry her someday. Ya boy! She's a blonde and the curtins match the door mat know what Im sayin? Ya boy!

Anywho, we got curly frys, sawsage samwiches, matchin tats and some mo beers and had a awsome time. She espescialy luved the cow barn and chicken barn cause it reminded her of growin up in Lowville! Her dads breeds cowz. Anyway, heres our matchin tats! They are real artists thair. I like how it looks sad cuz of its bloody tung. You know it just ated one of the pigs from the pig barn.

So late in the night some dude spilled on my jeans shorts so we thru down. We met at the infeeld and beet it down ther. I done kicked his ass. My new bitch Amie luved it. He crushed my smokes tho. Im like $8.75 gone to the injuns. That wut makes my tat sweet cuz its a black panther wich reminds me of the injuns and such.

I saw me lots of girls who like other girls there too. I wunder why they all cut their hare short like my brother. They all had matchin mussel shirts to. I arm resseled one and she crushed my other pack of smokes. My fingers freeeked her out thow so I got in her face. Ya boy!

Cant wait to go back every day the rest of the fare. Hopin they sell winstons at the injun village!

I love the moral of the story in Caddyshack

Time for a new blog post. I know it has been a while but I have been very busy this summer trying to have a good summer. I have been trying to golf A LOT and spend tons of time with my daughter. Every time I blink it seems that she is bigger and older. I must enjoy this time while I can!

I love Bushwood Country Club. If you don't know what Bushwood is, get a life. It is only the country club from the BEST movie of all time, Caddyshack. The base of the story is that there are two factions in the club. One faction is headed by Judge Smails, who wants a club that is very traditional and proper. The other faction follows Al Czervik, a new member who likes to party more and not take life so seriously. The club ends up splitting sides and of course the good guys win as always.

I like the various themes in the movie. One problem lies in every typical struggle. Power. Two factions want power so that things can be run their own way. Neither side is willing to deal with the others, just like in politics. Of course, sometimes it is impossible to deal with some situations because they don't make sense. A good example is the battle between Carl Spackler and the gopher in Caddyshack. Who is the bad guy? The gopher won't leave and is destroying the beauty of the course by tunneling and ruining fairways and greens. Carl tries to make him leave with explosives. In the end, the entire course is destroyed because of the war with Carl. Of course, the gopher would say that it was Carl's fault for trying to kill him even though he was destroying the course from underground.

Who can you relate to? I look at myself like Ty Webb. He is an amazing golfer, likes to have a drink, has fun and is a ladies man (much like myself, hahaha). He hooks up with the hot chick in the movie much like I have with my wife. He has a good head and knows when someone is doing the wrong thing. He knows right from wrong. That's me!

To me, it's an easy choice as to who to cheer for. Who's side would you pick? I choose Al Czervik. I don't like Judge Smails. He is just plain mean, and I don't like mean or immoral people.

I like people who meet my "Caddyshack standards". Don't be a backstabber, like Judge Smails. Don't be a friend of someone who has no moral compass, like Doctor Beeper is with Smails. Try to be friendly to me and my family. Enjoy places for the fun that can be had there, like Al Czervik. Know what you are doing and do the right thing, like Danny Noonan. Don't be an overall prick, like Tony D'Annunzio (the one who yells "Noonan" while he is putting). Know how to run a business and be successful, like Ty Webb. Most of all, if you are a woman, try to look more like Lacy Underall than Maggie O'Hooligan.

Also, remember these words of wisdom:

Ty Webb: I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.

Don't forget to post comments below. I look forward to hearing them!

Poor old Saaby

My Poor Saab.

I have an old blue car.
I drove it for years like a star.
One day it bucked
and I knew it was fu..ed,
And thought it would cost me by far!

It seemed the tranny was shot.
The mechanic smiled like a snot.
He laughed out loud twice
As he gave me a price
And it's gonna cost me a lot.

The car is in the shop
It seems the tranny won't drop.
Now he's in a sling
and I'm saving bling
He is taking a flop.

Guaranteed for a year they do say.
Parts and labor I won't have to pay.
If repair does go wrong,
it won't take me long,
To return for another day.

I hope it is finished today.
The mechanic is starting to pray.
The price was wrong.
The repair took too long.
And Ill drive poor Saaby away!

Golf

It's been a while since my last post but I have an excuse. I have been extremely busy...at golf. That's right folks, you heard me, GOLF. I have needed lots of practice gearing up for the Ryder Cup Tournament that happened last weekend. I have been trying to play every day over the past two weeks. It hasn't worked. The weather has been rainy and windy, especially at Beaver Meadows. My poor 1999 Saab 9-5 is slowly dying and needs a transmission replacement. This wasn't exactly reliable transportation during this time. I did manage to get in a few rounds though before the Ryder Cup. Here is #5 at the club.

Ryder Cup was fun. I putted like Ray Charles on Saturday but was hung over enough to hit the ball pretty well. It felt like I had a good tempo built until around hole 16 when I started swinging for the stars. Needless to say, the drives didn't work out too well for the last few holes. It didn't matter as it was a team event. My partner, Mac, carried me and I carried him when we needed it. Our team ham and egged it to a third place start after day 1. We were only two shots back.

Saturday night I got some rest and felt great Sunday morning. The fun portion of the tourney set up stated out well. I played with our A player, "Mahj" and made a good 20 footer to keep us in the first hole and a decent hole on #2. I then proceeded to suck hard on #3 and #4. My partner carried me through the rough patch and we did fine on the 9 hole better ball portion. The alternate shot portion is always interesting but we managed to fight out a +1 round of 73 between us. Pretty damned good.

The only problem that we had was that our B and C players didn't play to their abilities. This shit just happens. It's golf. You can be the best one day and be sub-par or even suck the next. "Stewie" and "Mack" played like the latter according to them. I gotta say I felt a bit bad for them. I've been there. The whole team has to play well to win this tourney and we just didn't have it on Sunday. Thanks Stewie for inviting me to play though. It really was a ton of fun.

Now I'm worn out a bit on golf. Explosives time is getting closer. Can't wait for the party on Sunday to celebrate the 4th of July. Independence Day. Make sure you become a follower of this blog.

Explosives

Men LOVE explosives. If I could light fireworks as a job, I would be complete as a man. I'd have a badge so if the police came, I would whip it out and say "fireworks expert, stand back". The only other job that is more manly is a navy seal or a army ranger. O.k., I am exaggerating a bit but pyrotechnics is COOL, Seriously COOL!

I always pick on J, my wife, for playing in campfires. I tell her, "you'll wet the bed if you keep poking at that fire" but she doesn't believe that. She can't help herself so she throws another face cord of wood on and continues to poke until either the fire is out, or she has a ten alarm fire going in a fire pit. People complain global warming is from humans, I blame it on J with a campfire.

I went to Pennsylvania after a client trip to Corning this week. There were no fireworks dealers listed on the web so, I had to inquire about purchasing pyrotechnics. I felt like a college student trying to score a $20 bag from a dealer. The kid at the A-Plus said in a whisper, "dude, take Rt. 15 south, past the first PA exit, and take a left on exit 2". I frantically wrote the directions down. "Whatever you do dude, don't stop at the two-for-one fireworks store on the corner because they rip you off, but go past the dive bar on the left and you'll find THE WAREHOUSE". I almost passed out. I felt like I just got totally hooked up by a true dude.

My new tattooed friend from head to toe, then pulled up the microphone and said "not like I buy illegal fireworks and blow them off in NYS all the time"! I do not lie. I looked around frantically. WHEW! No cops. The store was empty and he laughed uncontrollably.

So being the true pyromaniac that I am, I ask if he was messing with me and he replies that he is not. I promptly travel thirty minutes out of my way, on a tip from a stranger, to commit a misdemeanor and buy the explosive fireworks display. All I could consider is my planned awesome Fourth of July party with family and friends. I was on a mission.

The kid didn't lie. I arrived at a huge building surrounded by barbwire. The warehouse was pure nirvana. Fireworks were stacked in cases to the ceiling. I had to show my NYS licence at the door which made me a little uneasy. I wished I had my license from college bar days at that point and I started to sweat. The lady at the door smiled and let me in like a sucker at a NYS Fair whack-a-mole booth. I knew I was golden.

There were "customer service" people working the floor like hawkers at a carnival. "Can I help you sir?" was a common question. This was typically followed by me nervously laughing and asking for HUGE but very quiet fireworks so that the neighbors wouldn't be too bothered. Of course, hook, line and sinker... hand me the $40 cake of fireworks since they are quiet. I finally got out of the warehouse with a bill of $187 with another free $20 in explosives.

I immediately called my pyromaniac brother and told him of the cool shit that I bought. He was impressed until he checked with one of his sales reps who owns fireworks stores, on the cash I spent. Turns out that I overspent by a mere 400%. It definitely pays to know a fireworks sales person. Now we know for next year that we can get a retail fireworks display for 1/4 of the price, making it that much better than the anticipated show this year! It doesn't matter. Bring your tents. Bring your beers and drinks. A great time will be had by all who read this blog. If you don't get an invitation, please ask me for one. July 4th at the Baker residence. I can't wait!

THE CALL

I got invited to Stag Day today. For you bitches, Stag Day is basically "men's day" at the club. A bunch of good old boys get together to hit the long ball and talk about beer and women. Throw in a couple of birdies, beers and one irons and you have a complete day. For guys who are married, like myself, we talk about cooking and cleaning the house. Sometimes, we talk about Housewives of B'ville and the Next Super Duper Model Show.

Never-the-less, we are always aware that our wives can call at any moment and interrupt the day before it begins. Take tonight for instance. I was talking to a couple guys from my team about nothing in particular, when I got THE CALL! They were smart enough to crawl into a corner and secretly contact their better halves, before me, to update them on their progress. I advised that I would be contacting my wife to "check in" before I got THE CALL to check up on me. Since I was a good boy all day, and wasn't wasted or anything, I thought I was all good. Sure enough, while I was dialing, my phone rang from ... the wife. Duh.. duh.. duh!!!! She read my mind and beat me to the call!

Sweetness was all I heard. " Your daughter is headed to sleep. Should I expect you home soon?" Thoughts raced through my head. "Shit", I thought to myself. Just missed! I have only been gone since noon and here it is 8:30 at night. Not too long. Since golf takes, what, 8 hours for a round of 18 in a tourney, shouldn't I be safe? Then it struck me, I have a rational thinking wife who probably thought out the time frame. Five hours max. I overshot. I didn't pull the trigger soon enough! Why didn't I marry a dummy with a flat head and no teeth? I should leave while I can and arrive before my beautiful child goes to bed. I should score what points I have left so that I have a chance of playing again in the future! NO! BE A MAN! ORDER ANOTHER DRINK AND TAKE YOUR TIME! What did I do? I left.

Supposedly, it is a lot like training a dog. Teach them quick, be stern and they will learn. At least this is what all the divorced men that I know tell me. Tell your beatch to wait at home, bare footed and cleaning. Come home and take care of business and play golf when you want to. I know... You don't have to tell me. This is a pipe dream. Even though my beautiful wife did not demand it, I was at the door, waiting for my bowl of food and a doggy treat within fifteen minutes. My tail was tucked between my legs. I survived! I live to play another stag day..

Death and Taxes

Let me be the first to say that I am disgusted by people who don't vote. Why you ask? Simple. My taxes keep going up. I swear people have an extra chromosome in Central NY. The 3,000 people who did vote on the school budget passed it 2-1. Where are the other 24,000 people who live in the district?

Here's the scenario. One of the highest property taxes in America? Check. One of the highest per pupil cost in America? Check. Highest retirement spending per teacher in America? Check. Best testing outcomes in America? Eh eh. Hmmm you say. Why would you keep throwing more money at that problem every year? Why not lower the costs so that more business and people would move to the region? Instead, it is a steady flow of people that are leaving, bringing their businesses with them.

So why bitch you say? Why not leave with the rest of them? Trust me. I will leave when one of the following happens. (a) My business cant afford to do business anymore in NYS which is coming soon. (b) My daughter graduates high school and moves to a southern state like all of the other kids. (c) I grow a pair of nads and put up or shut up.

But it was only a 2.8% increase in taxes Rob! Let me educate you all in Baldwinsville a bit. The school budget spending proposal shows me a hefty $2,000,000 increase in spending this year over last. If you look closely, out of the $97,000,000 that they are spending on 5813 students district wide ($16,687 per pupil), it includes $5,000,000 from a slush fund for tough times. That means that NEXT YEAR they will have to find $5,000,000 of the 2011 budget SOMEWHERE. Duh!! I think it wont come from the slush fund since it doesn't exist anymore! Since they didn't cut the budget this year, but raised it by $2,000,000, I doubt they will cut the money next year, when the economy is presumably doing better!

All I can say is bring the lube, because next year is the year that it is going to really hurt. I'm guessing a 10% increase in school tax alone. To keep the budget at 0% growth, with no layoffs, they will need to raise a MINIMUM of $7,000,000 in new revenue. Bah! Don't worry, plenty of businesses will open in Baldwinsville, NY next year to cover the tax base increase! Haven't you noticed all the small businesses opening and all of the hiring going on? Haven't you seen all the new homes with their property tax being built? I don't know anyone who is moving away from here to find work! Shit, so many people are moving away that the student population is dropping year after year. There are 267 kids less in the district this year than in 2006. That's a 5% decline.

How do we stop it? Move. Or, you could vote.

The Crash

It was another exciting night golfing. I drove one of the useless golf carts that Beaver Meadows leases so that I can carry some beers while golfing. It's always a major pain to carry beers while walking because they are always shaken. Not only are they flat, but there is nowhere to place them while one shoots, nor do they remain remotely cold. To be a true professional, one MUST take a golf cart. Four cup holders. Did I stutter? Four cup holders at a time!! Since I drove, my bro-in-law rode for 18 with me.

Unfortunately for Jimmy, he doesn't hold many skills in the art of golf cart driving. Let me set the stage. Here we are on 16. Jimmy drives the ball off the tee, to the right, in the pine trees. All the trees are trimmed low, there is plenty of pine straw, so that one can drive a golf cart under these 60 footers without issue. Simply put your foot on the gas, drive to the ball and take your foot off, coasting to a halt next to said ball. Ron and I are in the fairway watching his approach to his ball under the trees. Jimmy with his amazing cart driving skills decides to drive from the passenger side because he is cool like that. Needless to say, it didn't turn out so hot.

We watch with horror as Jimmy mistakenly slams his foot on the gas, instead of the brake, when by his account, a branch nearly poked him in the face. The cart shoots forward, from a near stop, at what seemed like 30 miles an hour...he swerves at the last second, narrowly avoiding a full speed head-on with a tree... he still collects a large root and the side of the tree, sending the cart careening at a 60 degree angle airborne. I'm talking a good four feet in the air at top speed with all our stuff exiting the cart into the air. It sounded like a car wreck. You know, tin can type CRUNCH! Jimmy lands upright, the cart stops dead and Jimmy immediately exits the cart. Panicking, he checks for missing or damaged parts, but all seems o.k.

Ron and I are 50 yards from the wreck but were laughing SO hard at this point that we almost fell over. I haven't laughed so hard in years. With tears streaming down my face, we get to the cart and all looks great. The damage is of course, two spilled beers and humiliation. I walk to the green while Jimmy recollected himself and realized that his life had just passed before his eyes.
He pulls the cart next to us, complaining that it isn't driving right. We finish the hole and take it from there.

Upon taking the reins of the cart back, I realized that the wheels are messed up something fierce. The alignment is shot and the wheels squeeled on the pavement because they were pointing outwards in two different directions. Another laughing fit occurred because Ron could see the struggle to handle the beast, even by an experience cart jockey like myself.

I limped the beast back to the parking lot and promptly informed the cart kid that the cart started acting funny on number 16. Jimmy went to the locker room to change his shoes as he was afraid that someone might recognize him as a crash victim. I didn't bother to explain why. I have decided that next time I play with Jimmy, he needs to ride shotgun with no touching the cart, or I'll have to suffer walking and choke down warm, flat beers!

Drinko De Mayo

I think a regular tradition has been adopted. Every year from now on will be an all out, sick-ass, pinata beatin', tequila drinkin', smash to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. We will call it Drinko de Mayo. A special thanks to Ali for the new name of the party! In my book, there is nothing better than getting together with friends and family and tipping the bottle. Mix in some awesome Mexican food and you have Drinko de Mayo! Next year we will plan better and include even more friends!

I keep getting complimented for the pinata and the semi-lame fireworks display! I know for a fact that all of the chinchillas (kiddies) enjoyed the party! They were on the floor grabbing candy and coins like fleas on the back of a Mexican chihuahua.

One of the good things about this party was that we actually took pictures this time. Food was served with the likes of enchiladas, nachos, tacos, guacamole, salsa, and several other dishes that smelled so good that it started to attract the illegal aliens from down the road. As the evening progressed, so did the craziness of the event. The tequila shots and margaritas were flowing like the Rio Grande. Several people wanted to get out the guns and start firing them into the air. Just to make it seem authentic, fireworks were set off.

There are a couple of thoughts that I keep having. I wish that I had a Mariachi band. If the weather would cooperate I would line one up for next year. My ideal party would have been outdoors, with a band, porta johns, a catered bar and the same types of Mexican food. Throw in a real fireworks display and there you have it! A future plan for the 10'th anniversary Drinko de Mayo party.

I had a great time and would like to thank all the participants for coming: Rob, Lisa and kids, Mike, Molly and kids, Leo, Annette and kids, Gina, Jimmy and kid, our golf buddies -Ron and Patty and Phil and Norine, my homeys -Sissy and Senor Rob and Senorita Alyse. I'd like to thank our Mexican neighbors to the south for the food recipes, tequila and an obscure holiday to use as an excuse to get together in May!

Disclaimer - I would just like to add that all of the participants are legal residents of the USA. No illegal immigrants were invited or attended to the best of my knowledge -Even this guy!

Golf Partners

Breakfast tournament is over. I had a wonderful time with the exception of one thing that always annoys me. Forced pairings suck. The problem is that in this tourney, the pro shop randomly chooses what tools, erm partners one gets stuck, I mean - saddled, I mean - play with. Needless to say, I got stuck with a doosey. He was such a tool box that when I was asked who I played with, I got the knowing nod of disapproval. It was one of those ooooooooooh that suckssssssssssss looks. I wont mention his name but I will say that the other two partners made it worthwhile.

Ok so here is the scene: we start on hole 3. I know one of my partners so we ride to hole 3 together from the clubhouse. I don't know the other two guys from a bag of beans. They show up in cart #2. One guy I hear is a "big hitter". He is fine and appropriately introduces himself with a handshake. The other guy lumbers from the cart and promptly introduces himself with the etiology of his last name. and shakes hands, laughing nervously and inappropriately the whole time. He then proceeds to talk to himself under his breath, scolding himself for already being such a douche bag. I got the feeling right away that I was glad I wasn't stuck riding with him. Our long hitter had to pay his dues riding with "the tool".

We start play and Big hitter proceeds to almost drive the green at 330 yards away uphill. The tool oohs and ahhs and duffs his first shot. He proceeds to tell Big hitter what he did wrong with his swing. Big hitter is gracious and brushes off the comment. I step up and The tool talks throughout my tee shot. I'm already annoyed. So it went for 16 holes. On the 16th hole I have had my fill. If it wasn't Sunday morning, I would have had 6 beers in me just to block out the annoyance that was playing with us.

On the 16th, Big hitter hit a major drive behind a small tree. Being a captain and crew tournament, you are allowed to move your ball one club, no closer to the hole. I say to The tool "move from behind that branch, it looks like you may hit it". The tool says "it's not in play" and then swings and hits the branch with his ball. I say" I guess it was in play!" I couldn't help myself. The tool almost cried. He then lumbered back to the cart with his coke bottle glasses, talking under his breath about some way he can kill me I'm sure. My other two partners quietly nodded their approval and promptly began giving The tool more shit. Big hitter asked if he could ride back to the clubhouse in our cart. It was that bad...

We ended up at 7 under, should've, could've, would've been 10 under at least if we had any peace that day. Maybe 12 under if we had beers on a Sunday morning!

Baseball

I used to play baseball as a kid. I think my dad always thought one of his boys would end up playing for the NY Yankees someday. Man, I wish it was me. I digress. I friggin love Yankees baseball. They have been my team since the 1970's when I was born. Not really, I was born in the late 60's! I remember Lou Pinella, Mickey Rivers, Thurman Munson, Reggie, Goose Gossage, Chris Chambliss and so on and so on...

Nowadays, nobody can afford to attend a Yankees game. Since that is the case, I watch them on YES network as much as possible. The next best thing is to attend a minor league game at the Syracuse Chiefs. Believe it or not, this is usually a family trip for us. My wife and daughter love the ball park! As soon as we arrive, two large drafts for J and I. Alyse usually gets some cotton candy or ice cream. We went last week and they had some new additions to the menu this year. Alyse actually had a fried dough with the powdered sugar all over it! I had peanuts and a beer.

The Chiefs usually suck. I think I could take over at 2nd base and show them how to play the game. I bet I could hit the ball out of the park. I bet I could hit it over a mountain. If only coach would have put me in! Enough Uncle Rico!
Golf is in swing now. If only the weather would relax a bit. I swear I haven't golfed once without the jet stream on the course. I'm hoping tomorrow is better as I'm in for 36 holes. 18 starting at 7am and another 18 at 12:30. I have a breakfast tournament on Sunday too so I'm hoping my game will show up soon! I played in a stag day tourney last week and it was good until the last drunken hole where we effed it up and ended up in fourth, outside the $$$$. We still got a skin which paid our skins fee. Good news is I won $20 in pro shop credit by hitting the green on a 175 yard par 3 shot. At least I won something!

Manly Arizona

There's a new Sheriff in town pilgrim. I hope you ain't no illllllllleeeeeegal boy! I happen to LOVE the state of Arizona lately. Not only can you carry a firearm concealed anywhere in the state, you can carry it without a permit. That's right, whip it out wherever you want, whenever you want, and don't act like you are gonna do anything illegal to my shit, or I'll blow your ass away! That my friends is MAN LAND. No little girly men complaining that they don't have or want a firearm! Only real men allowed who can carry a holster AND a PBR!


On top of all that "crazy gun stuff", it is now really Illegal to be an illegal in that state. That's right my friends! There is no more, "illegals do the jobs that regular Americans won't do". Jobs are now available for only those who ARE actual Americans! Also, I believe Arizona is one of the few states left that is warm and also has NO state sales tax! I could actually golf there, carry a gun, shoot my caddy (if he were illegal and I thought he was stealing my clubs) and buy beers for my foursome with no sales tax! When can I move? They also have that Sheriff Joe guy, who makes inmates pedal bikes in the yard to generate enough electricity to watch TV! OMFG! It is America reborn!!!

Where I live now in NYS, I must pay $150 to get denied a carry permit for my pistol, pay a tax to buy ammo for it, leave it at home while I golf (or I'm the felon), let illegals work on the course while people leave the state due to a lack of jobs, shoot at dead stuff only, drink what beer I can still afford due to more taxes, pay more tax, pay more tax again and finish the day by paying more taxes. But hey, I should feel good for paying my "fair share" so illegals can get health care and welfare here. Can someone please tell me why I am still living in this state?

In celebration of the legality of being illegal in NYS, I am going to throw a party. I am serious. I am going to throw a Ocho de Mayo party. We can't do Cinco de Mayo due to the day of the week it falls on, because of our current employment status. If you are a friend, have a job and can still afford a dish to pass, I will provide cervesa and arriba, arriba, so that we can celebrate our state's tolerance of our illegal neighbors. I will even download some mariachi music for my Ipod to play. All the while, I will be dreaming of packing my S&W 40 cal. while I golf in beautiful Arizona!!

Are you really a democrat?

I'm going to post a real blog on politics. Let's say I have a friend/family member or two that vote democrat every time. Let's say that they have NO CLUE what they are doing. Let's say that they vote democrat because (a) they are wanna be hippies, (b) are real hippies that are now old and smelly, (c) pretend that they really care about people and think government can help with that, (d) or aren't racist, fascist, hater, tea bagger, retarded people (sarc.).

Let's say that they always report that the racist hater conservative neo-whatevers are always threatening Americans, American values and PEACE. Wasn't that the story with the 60's man? Aren't we all peace love and group sex man? Isn't life about PEACEFUL protest man? Isn't my love bus gassed and ready for a cross country trip man?

In reality, I am starting to read a lot more about the tea party group being a bunch of haters and violent protesters. I haven't seen many stories about actual arrests and such of these poor old grannies and grampies who want the 50's back. I must say I am reading a lot of stories about the old hippie haters coming out of the woodwork threatening to kill people like they did in the old days. Let's take this old goofy hippie hater and tell the story. Pidrman gave $250 to Hillary’s campaign in 2008. He threatened to kill a GOP representative and made the papers.

How about the couple on the right? Let's beat the shit out of them and break a woman's leg for being at a republican planning meeting in New Orleans! That's peace and love man! How about knock out his teeth, give him a concussion and yell derogatory terminology at them? Sounds like the 60's right man? Here's something more from the "democrats" in New Orleans to chew on...

…There was also an eight-page brochure the group put together that did not appear on the Facebook event page for the protest (since removed – there were 209 people who had RSVP’ed for the event and from that roster we found Mauch and Dubinsky), and that brochure was much more ominous. It listed several “Points of Unity,” among them being:

- The SRLC is not welcome in NOLA without a fuss
- Recognize healthcare as a basic human right
- Oppose police oppression, the prison-industrial complex, and the dominant culture of militarism
- Recognize the need for active resistance to confront all forms of oppression, respecting a diversity of tactics

The brochure also contained a map of the five hotels at which SRLC delegates were primarily staying, which is extremely disturbing.

Last but not least, a recent protester at a tea party event was identified as nobody more than a "democrat". One was identified as John Durajczyk, the Secretary of the St. Charles County Democratic Committee. John Durajczyk’s infiltrator pal, identified as Steve Belosi, attacked an elderly woman at the rally until she started to cry. Maybe I shouldn't believe NBC, CBS, ABC or CNN anymore when they tell me it was a "teabagger". Maybe I should actually look around to find the truth. I ain't no tea party member but I sure am looking at everything with a skeptical eye lately. I wish my friends and family would all do the same!

Fanny Pack Mayhem!

About a month ago, I learned that fanny packs are in use by A LOT of runners. I was attending a St. Patrick's Day race that my wife runs on Tip Hill in Syracuse every year now. My brother and I were of course enjoying delicious Irish beer on the deck of Coleman's Pub watching all of the tools run by in the race. I would guess approximately half of the field carried stuff in fanny packs. If you are wondering what a fanny pack is, this lovely gent is wearing one to cover up his Speedo.

Being a man and all, I wouldn't be caught in my coffin with one of these on (including the Speedo). However, our party after the run involved copious amounts of drinking and I had the opportunity to try one out. My new friend Norine wore one at the race and took a lot of heat from many of us about it. I snuck her fanny pack and put it on, running around the house like a fool. I think I got my picture taken but I hope not. If you are gonna wear a fanny pack, wear one like my golf partner Ron here in the lower right picture.

Notice Ron's first van behind him. It looks like a 1977 Volkswagon hippie ride. Seriously, that's not Ron but if he had a dream this would be it! I also found a very funny blog about fanny packs if you want a good laugh. It has a bunch of these silly pictures on the blog so some of you should check it out. http://www.fannypackphotos.com/index.php?categories=Funny

I have one last word on fanny packs. Norine, please purchase a fanny pack that we can't tell is a fanny pack. You will reduce your geekiness forever! Here is one that I picked out for you. You can even wear it at golf since it is such an awesome fashion statement! I hope you like it because it is what you are getting for your birthday from me!

Here is a guy on the PGA that you probably don't know. His name is YE Yang. I'm sure you want to know what YE stands for but I'll be damned if I can pronounce it, much less spell it. He is my dark horse calcutta pick for the Masters and cost us $40. My big $ pick was Ernie Els, who happened to implode #18 yesterday at Augusta, dropping two strokes to finish at -1. My dark horse is at -5.

Your next question I'm sure is "what the hell is a calcutta"? Let me explain. 50 drunk guys sit in the bar at the club. All of the drunk guys start bidding real money on who will win the tournament. The highest bid gets to pick the first person that the high bidder believes will win. Usually it is an obvious bid for Tiger. Last year he was the first choice at $460. This year he was again the first choice but at a much discounted $360. I'm guessing that he wasn't as expensive because of the economy. NOT! I think it had more to do with his new lack of "ball striking" with his mistresses.

I believe that the total pot in the calcutta is around $5,000. It pays something like 25% to the winner, 18% for 2nd place, 14%, then 10%, 8% and 5% to each of the final top ten finishers. If you spend a lot for a player, he better finish in the top 3 or you lose money. Ernie Els cost $340 so he better play better today! We also landed Dustin Johnson $140 (Ron's overpaid pick at -1), Ben Crane $40 (Ernie's pick at even par), Matt Kuchar $60 (my second dark horse at -2), Ryan Palmer $30 (Ernie at even par) and Heath Slocum $20 (Ernie pick at even par).

I'm wondering after the first round if I should have landed Tiger. He looked pretty good on the course and made some amazing shots. Of course he will get all of the TV time when he plays so he is always a good one to buy. Phil Mickelson may have been a better choice for our big money guy but Els has been playing very well and lefty hasn't been making any putts this season. I'm a little worried about Els because he typically doesn't play well at the masters. How about the older guys? Will Couple's repeat? Will Watson show up again today? If it wasn't about the calcutta $, I'd be rooting for Freddie! However, I picked my team, now I have to go with them.

Golf

I was just reading my new Golf Digest. Much to my surprise they had a story about outdated golf clubs. My driver is a new Cleveland Hi-bore from 2009. I also have a Cleveland Hi-bore 3 wood that is a 2009. My 5 wood is an older Ping 5 wood that I still love and hit relatively straight. I replaced my 4-iron with a hybrid Cleveland that I like. I wish I could replace the 3-iron with a hybrid but I don't have the ching to blow on that right now. I did treat myself to a new sand wedge before the new rounded grooves are in and the older sharp grooves disappear. I got a nice Volkey 54 degree which I have played with once so far. It had nice stopping and spinning action compared to my old worn out Ping sandy. My irons are very nice but I'm a bit afraid that I'm missing out on some technological advances that have been made recently. They are about 8 years old and blade type irons. My game would probably benefit a lot from a new set of mid-size irons with a little more forgiveness.

I would love a new set of Ping G15 irons. I can't spring the $699 for them. But, but, but, the MAGAZINE said I needed new irons honey!!!!!! I don't think that one will fly this time. I guess I'm still stuck suffering my game with the old Ping set. At least they are still semi-cool. The new clubs probably wouldn't help my 14.1 handicap anyway. It's my awful putting that really needs the help!

I had two sets of VERY outdated clubs before I passed them on to who knows who. I'm sure that my brother has one set because he still plays golf with them. They are ancient. He actually still has the wooden woods. His putter is the putter I bought for my best men almost 20 years ago but it is still an awesome wand. The funny thing is that he still plays them decently for the amount of times he plays every year. A new set and some golf time would make his game awesome like it was in the days of old.

I belong to a private club in Phoenix NY named Beaver Meadows. It is a real nice track and very well taken care of. The people that belong there are very cool and we have fun times. Our Master's party is upcoming Wednesday and we are doing a fun Calcutta. I need to do some research on who I will be "drafting". Of course, I will be playing 18 or 27 before the party so I'll have plenty of time to think about it. Ill let you know how it turns out. Any ideas on who I should draft, please feel free to comment below.

Summer Like Day

It's Good Friday. I am being a good Catholic this morning and I am fasting. At least for now. I don't know if I will make it until 3:30pm though since I plan on golfing at 1pm. That's right. Golfing. The wife and I are golfing with my golf partner Ron and his wife. Since this is not very manly, we will be adding beer and 1 irons to the mix. This will result in much man chatter and of course humiliation for the wives. For everyone's information, this is an excellent way to cure the disease of wives wanting to golf with you.

So what is a One Iron you are asking yourselves. It is an awesome drink, albeit a bit girly. It is made by: fill glass with ice, add two shots Smirnoff vodka, fill almost to the top with Fresca (cannot be substituted) and splash cranberry juice. Let's face it, it's pink, not a shot, not beer so it is for the women. Believe it or not, I have indulged in this drink on one occasion and can vouch for it's effectiveness with quenching the thirst on a hot day. It tastes A LOT like cotton candy. Give it a try. I will have BEER myself.

I need to bitch a bit about my golf partner. He is a RAGING partisan democrat. I have nothing against democrats. Just back up some arguments with facts instead of "you're a racist republican". The funny thing is that he doesn't even know that I'm not a republican. I'm more of a fiscal conservative with more moderate social values. We joke about it tons all of the time but it makes me wonder how he can have such one sided views without considering other opinions. He is also a Joey, which is a term I made up. He knows what it means and I don't need to elaborate. It must be in his blood since he is somehow related to the Cuomos from NYS politics.

Here is a link to a test that everyone should take. I think most people will be surprised with the outcome. Take the test and post below what the outcome was. Answer truthfully for every question.
http://www.politicalcompass.org/test

Man Burgers and a Scary Movie

There is only one manly way to make a burger. It must be beef, at least 80/20. No lean beef. It must have caramelized onion, condiments, have a toasted bun and lastly, be accompanied by a beer. If you cook it on a grill, make it all in a heavy, hot skillet. I didn't use one today because my wife wont let me spring $100 for a good one. Screw it, Ill buy one anyway and post it here someday. She won't ever know (Paypal rocks) hahaha.

For those who don't know me, I'm on a diet. Being fat and 42 doesn't help. My wife used to needle me all night to make me stop snoring. I figured "hey, I better get some sleep, or I'll be dead by 45". In addition to that line of thinking, my wife dieted and started running with my sister-in-law. After having our daughter, she got hot and thin quick, and I went the other way quicker. Ridicule from the wife is a bad thing. A real man won't let that happen. Anyway, I have done well so far. That doesn't explain the burger does it? Whatever, I'll do better tomorrow. That is man thinking.

J (my wife) and I watched a damned scary movie last night. I would rate it as one of my top 3 scariest movies of all time. Paranormal Activity. I literally had goosebumps throughout the entire movie. I love those demonic possession movies. When I went to bed, I kept thinking that I heard things walking around the house and lights turning on and off. I was ready to sleep with a Smith and Wesson on the chest!

My list of scariest movies of all time:
#1 of all time is The Exorcist of course. Read the book though, it's way better than the movie.
#2 has to now be Paranormal Activity.
#3 is Poltergeist.
#4 has to be The Shining.
#5 is probably Amityville Horror.
Arguments can be made for some of the classics like Wolfman an Dracula which scared the living crap out of me as a kid. Now they just seem lame.

First posting

O.k., so I finally decided to share my experiences in public. I can tell you one thing. You will either learn to laugh at this stuff or you can hit another blog. I'm not going to take myself too seriously on this blog. I hope everyone will understand my sick sense of humor, and people who know me, do.

A little background for you all. I grew up in a tough household. Middle child here and full of disturbing 1970's type stories. My Dad was a complete jerk, at times, when we were kids and he realizes it now. I have a younger brother and an older sis. Sis taught me to be wary of the wrath of women, bro got taught lots of stuff by me. No regrets here. I went to Catholic School (enough said).

I'm married now and live near Syracuse NY. I have one 10 year old daughter (I know!). The area is run down and lacking, lets say, employers. I own a company and consult for insurance companies. I'm always on the road. I'm always stressed and wonder why I don't have a serious smoking or heroine habit. I think way too much.

I like to do man stuff when I'm not worrying about work. It includes drinking half of the time. Sometimes in excess. What is man stuff you ask? Let me start by saying I like golf A LOT. Here is a picture of my first day out in NY this year, March 17th! That's right. I felt like I was stiff and hadn't swung a club since November. I did o.k. I shot a 44 for 9 holes. Figuring I had my game by the short hairs, I tried again on the 20th. 18 holes, colder and windier, I sucked out loud. Luckily, my golf partner, Ron, had a couple beers in his bag to make the game a little more enjoyable. The 19th hole was in the parking lot, watching NCAA basketball through the back doors, on the wide screen t.v. inside. Man day for sure.

I like snowmobiling, hunting, fishing, boating, skiing, hiking and mountain climbing, especially in the Adirondack Mountains. I love parties, especially with fun people. I love pro sports but hate NBA basketball. It's gotta be the most boring shit I've ever seen (next to NASCAR). I root for the Syracuse Orangemen in any sport. I do not watch any women sports unless it is beach volleyball or involves lingerie.

I travel for fun once in a while and will post lots of stories about travel. I like to cook but love to eat. I'm into women only so don't post gay crap here please. I think I'm pretty conservative but am learning that lots of guys think the same way I do. I'm a realist, and simple, as you will see. I will also be posting lots of pictures since I like to document my stuff. Let's see how this goes from here and maybe Ill post tomorrow.