Explosives

Men LOVE explosives. If I could light fireworks as a job, I would be complete as a man. I'd have a badge so if the police came, I would whip it out and say "fireworks expert, stand back". The only other job that is more manly is a navy seal or a army ranger. O.k., I am exaggerating a bit but pyrotechnics is COOL, Seriously COOL!

I always pick on J, my wife, for playing in campfires. I tell her, "you'll wet the bed if you keep poking at that fire" but she doesn't believe that. She can't help herself so she throws another face cord of wood on and continues to poke until either the fire is out, or she has a ten alarm fire going in a fire pit. People complain global warming is from humans, I blame it on J with a campfire.

I went to Pennsylvania after a client trip to Corning this week. There were no fireworks dealers listed on the web so, I had to inquire about purchasing pyrotechnics. I felt like a college student trying to score a $20 bag from a dealer. The kid at the A-Plus said in a whisper, "dude, take Rt. 15 south, past the first PA exit, and take a left on exit 2". I frantically wrote the directions down. "Whatever you do dude, don't stop at the two-for-one fireworks store on the corner because they rip you off, but go past the dive bar on the left and you'll find THE WAREHOUSE". I almost passed out. I felt like I just got totally hooked up by a true dude.

My new tattooed friend from head to toe, then pulled up the microphone and said "not like I buy illegal fireworks and blow them off in NYS all the time"! I do not lie. I looked around frantically. WHEW! No cops. The store was empty and he laughed uncontrollably.

So being the true pyromaniac that I am, I ask if he was messing with me and he replies that he is not. I promptly travel thirty minutes out of my way, on a tip from a stranger, to commit a misdemeanor and buy the explosive fireworks display. All I could consider is my planned awesome Fourth of July party with family and friends. I was on a mission.

The kid didn't lie. I arrived at a huge building surrounded by barbwire. The warehouse was pure nirvana. Fireworks were stacked in cases to the ceiling. I had to show my NYS licence at the door which made me a little uneasy. I wished I had my license from college bar days at that point and I started to sweat. The lady at the door smiled and let me in like a sucker at a NYS Fair whack-a-mole booth. I knew I was golden.

There were "customer service" people working the floor like hawkers at a carnival. "Can I help you sir?" was a common question. This was typically followed by me nervously laughing and asking for HUGE but very quiet fireworks so that the neighbors wouldn't be too bothered. Of course, hook, line and sinker... hand me the $40 cake of fireworks since they are quiet. I finally got out of the warehouse with a bill of $187 with another free $20 in explosives.

I immediately called my pyromaniac brother and told him of the cool shit that I bought. He was impressed until he checked with one of his sales reps who owns fireworks stores, on the cash I spent. Turns out that I overspent by a mere 400%. It definitely pays to know a fireworks sales person. Now we know for next year that we can get a retail fireworks display for 1/4 of the price, making it that much better than the anticipated show this year! It doesn't matter. Bring your tents. Bring your beers and drinks. A great time will be had by all who read this blog. If you don't get an invitation, please ask me for one. July 4th at the Baker residence. I can't wait!