Back in the Swing

It's a new year people. I have already golfed 45 holes in the tundra known as Beaver Meadows. Of course, the difficulties that I had with my score are all related to conditions, equipment and NOT my amazing swing. Since I finally was allowed to purchase a new set of irons by the wifee, my game should improve dramatically with the weather! I'm anticipating a round in the low 80's within the next month, lasting throughout the year.

Now I'm not saying that the wintering that I experienced this year is helpful to anyone's golf swing. I'm just saying that once the frost leaves my bones and the fogginess in my depressed attitude leaves, my game will improve. I know that all of you out there go through the same thing. Even with the trips to Florida or Arizona, you still have to return to April in NYS. We can all agree that April blows. The hot days are a tease for the whole four months of good weather that we experience in summer. The cold days remind us of the other 8 months of torture that we put ourselves through.

Why do I continue to live here in this thriving area of central NY? I swear I ask myself that daily during the "8 months". I wouldn't mind living in a nice, gated community, near a golf course, south of Virginia. This would work fine. Does anyone have a spare 1.5 million that I could borrow? Moving my business would be tough so maybe a good job too?

Ok, back to the important things...my clubs. I purchased the Ping i15 irons. You know you wish you were me! I wont hold your jealousy against you. I promise. The bummer is that I got fitted for them and it takes 1-2 weeks to get them. Then to find out that the 7 irons in the set are back-ordered, did not help. I almost switched from my Ping brand loyalty because of that. However, I am a reasonable man for two weeks (especially during the 8 months). I'm realistic that the weather will blow for a few more weeks before I really turn the game up a notch!

The first real nice day of spring is over. I have already experienced heckling from my biggest fans (who graciously played QUIETLY behind my foursome) the other day. You know who you are with your little giggling fits! It's ok, I know that I'm better at golf than you are. I know who the pro is. I know you are all just jealous. Ok, so maybe you aren't. Maybe my shot into the mud on number two wasn't my best. Maybe you all could beat me at this stupid game that I just dropped $800 on. Maybe I need to bowl again. Then again, it's a new year. We shall see.

The NYS Fair

Guest blogger tonight:

Dude, I'm so jacked up fo da fare!! I done saved my alowence from my mom ALL year just to rock it August 2010 style!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

I bought me the $25 all you can ride ticket. There are so many COOL rides like da tilt a wirl and da yukon and da top spin that I luv so much! I specially luv the musik on da tilt a wirl like Jay Z and shit! It rox!

Check out da honey I met at the West End. Amie! I was hittin the $2.50 PBR me and man was I wasted! See my pics with my missin fingers from my deefekt? She done boughted me a Hinekin and I knew she had $$$$$! I took her home to my room. Ya boy!! You know what I'm sayin? Right! I culdn't beleve it that she lived next to me at the park. She has a rotwiler just like my mom! I'm thinkin I will merry her someday. Ya boy! She's a blonde and the curtins match the door mat know what Im sayin? Ya boy!

Anywho, we got curly frys, sawsage samwiches, matchin tats and some mo beers and had a awsome time. She espescialy luved the cow barn and chicken barn cause it reminded her of growin up in Lowville! Her dads breeds cowz. Anyway, heres our matchin tats! They are real artists thair. I like how it looks sad cuz of its bloody tung. You know it just ated one of the pigs from the pig barn.

So late in the night some dude spilled on my jeans shorts so we thru down. We met at the infeeld and beet it down ther. I done kicked his ass. My new bitch Amie luved it. He crushed my smokes tho. Im like $8.75 gone to the injuns. That wut makes my tat sweet cuz its a black panther wich reminds me of the injuns and such.

I saw me lots of girls who like other girls there too. I wunder why they all cut their hare short like my brother. They all had matchin mussel shirts to. I arm resseled one and she crushed my other pack of smokes. My fingers freeeked her out thow so I got in her face. Ya boy!

Cant wait to go back every day the rest of the fare. Hopin they sell winstons at the injun village!

I love the moral of the story in Caddyshack

Time for a new blog post. I know it has been a while but I have been very busy this summer trying to have a good summer. I have been trying to golf A LOT and spend tons of time with my daughter. Every time I blink it seems that she is bigger and older. I must enjoy this time while I can!

I love Bushwood Country Club. If you don't know what Bushwood is, get a life. It is only the country club from the BEST movie of all time, Caddyshack. The base of the story is that there are two factions in the club. One faction is headed by Judge Smails, who wants a club that is very traditional and proper. The other faction follows Al Czervik, a new member who likes to party more and not take life so seriously. The club ends up splitting sides and of course the good guys win as always.

I like the various themes in the movie. One problem lies in every typical struggle. Power. Two factions want power so that things can be run their own way. Neither side is willing to deal with the others, just like in politics. Of course, sometimes it is impossible to deal with some situations because they don't make sense. A good example is the battle between Carl Spackler and the gopher in Caddyshack. Who is the bad guy? The gopher won't leave and is destroying the beauty of the course by tunneling and ruining fairways and greens. Carl tries to make him leave with explosives. In the end, the entire course is destroyed because of the war with Carl. Of course, the gopher would say that it was Carl's fault for trying to kill him even though he was destroying the course from underground.

Who can you relate to? I look at myself like Ty Webb. He is an amazing golfer, likes to have a drink, has fun and is a ladies man (much like myself, hahaha). He hooks up with the hot chick in the movie much like I have with my wife. He has a good head and knows when someone is doing the wrong thing. He knows right from wrong. That's me!

To me, it's an easy choice as to who to cheer for. Who's side would you pick? I choose Al Czervik. I don't like Judge Smails. He is just plain mean, and I don't like mean or immoral people.

I like people who meet my "Caddyshack standards". Don't be a backstabber, like Judge Smails. Don't be a friend of someone who has no moral compass, like Doctor Beeper is with Smails. Try to be friendly to me and my family. Enjoy places for the fun that can be had there, like Al Czervik. Know what you are doing and do the right thing, like Danny Noonan. Don't be an overall prick, like Tony D'Annunzio (the one who yells "Noonan" while he is putting). Know how to run a business and be successful, like Ty Webb. Most of all, if you are a woman, try to look more like Lacy Underall than Maggie O'Hooligan.

Also, remember these words of wisdom:

Ty Webb: I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.

Don't forget to post comments below. I look forward to hearing them!

Poor old Saaby

My Poor Saab.

I have an old blue car.
I drove it for years like a star.
One day it bucked
and I knew it was fu..ed,
And thought it would cost me by far!

It seemed the tranny was shot.
The mechanic smiled like a snot.
He laughed out loud twice
As he gave me a price
And it's gonna cost me a lot.

The car is in the shop
It seems the tranny won't drop.
Now he's in a sling
and I'm saving bling
He is taking a flop.

Guaranteed for a year they do say.
Parts and labor I won't have to pay.
If repair does go wrong,
it won't take me long,
To return for another day.

I hope it is finished today.
The mechanic is starting to pray.
The price was wrong.
The repair took too long.
And Ill drive poor Saaby away!

Golf

It's been a while since my last post but I have an excuse. I have been extremely busy...at golf. That's right folks, you heard me, GOLF. I have needed lots of practice gearing up for the Ryder Cup Tournament that happened last weekend. I have been trying to play every day over the past two weeks. It hasn't worked. The weather has been rainy and windy, especially at Beaver Meadows. My poor 1999 Saab 9-5 is slowly dying and needs a transmission replacement. This wasn't exactly reliable transportation during this time. I did manage to get in a few rounds though before the Ryder Cup. Here is #5 at the club.

Ryder Cup was fun. I putted like Ray Charles on Saturday but was hung over enough to hit the ball pretty well. It felt like I had a good tempo built until around hole 16 when I started swinging for the stars. Needless to say, the drives didn't work out too well for the last few holes. It didn't matter as it was a team event. My partner, Mac, carried me and I carried him when we needed it. Our team ham and egged it to a third place start after day 1. We were only two shots back.

Saturday night I got some rest and felt great Sunday morning. The fun portion of the tourney set up stated out well. I played with our A player, "Mahj" and made a good 20 footer to keep us in the first hole and a decent hole on #2. I then proceeded to suck hard on #3 and #4. My partner carried me through the rough patch and we did fine on the 9 hole better ball portion. The alternate shot portion is always interesting but we managed to fight out a +1 round of 73 between us. Pretty damned good.

The only problem that we had was that our B and C players didn't play to their abilities. This shit just happens. It's golf. You can be the best one day and be sub-par or even suck the next. "Stewie" and "Mack" played like the latter according to them. I gotta say I felt a bit bad for them. I've been there. The whole team has to play well to win this tourney and we just didn't have it on Sunday. Thanks Stewie for inviting me to play though. It really was a ton of fun.

Now I'm worn out a bit on golf. Explosives time is getting closer. Can't wait for the party on Sunday to celebrate the 4th of July. Independence Day. Make sure you become a follower of this blog.

Explosives

Men LOVE explosives. If I could light fireworks as a job, I would be complete as a man. I'd have a badge so if the police came, I would whip it out and say "fireworks expert, stand back". The only other job that is more manly is a navy seal or a army ranger. O.k., I am exaggerating a bit but pyrotechnics is COOL, Seriously COOL!

I always pick on J, my wife, for playing in campfires. I tell her, "you'll wet the bed if you keep poking at that fire" but she doesn't believe that. She can't help herself so she throws another face cord of wood on and continues to poke until either the fire is out, or she has a ten alarm fire going in a fire pit. People complain global warming is from humans, I blame it on J with a campfire.

I went to Pennsylvania after a client trip to Corning this week. There were no fireworks dealers listed on the web so, I had to inquire about purchasing pyrotechnics. I felt like a college student trying to score a $20 bag from a dealer. The kid at the A-Plus said in a whisper, "dude, take Rt. 15 south, past the first PA exit, and take a left on exit 2". I frantically wrote the directions down. "Whatever you do dude, don't stop at the two-for-one fireworks store on the corner because they rip you off, but go past the dive bar on the left and you'll find THE WAREHOUSE". I almost passed out. I felt like I just got totally hooked up by a true dude.

My new tattooed friend from head to toe, then pulled up the microphone and said "not like I buy illegal fireworks and blow them off in NYS all the time"! I do not lie. I looked around frantically. WHEW! No cops. The store was empty and he laughed uncontrollably.

So being the true pyromaniac that I am, I ask if he was messing with me and he replies that he is not. I promptly travel thirty minutes out of my way, on a tip from a stranger, to commit a misdemeanor and buy the explosive fireworks display. All I could consider is my planned awesome Fourth of July party with family and friends. I was on a mission.

The kid didn't lie. I arrived at a huge building surrounded by barbwire. The warehouse was pure nirvana. Fireworks were stacked in cases to the ceiling. I had to show my NYS licence at the door which made me a little uneasy. I wished I had my license from college bar days at that point and I started to sweat. The lady at the door smiled and let me in like a sucker at a NYS Fair whack-a-mole booth. I knew I was golden.

There were "customer service" people working the floor like hawkers at a carnival. "Can I help you sir?" was a common question. This was typically followed by me nervously laughing and asking for HUGE but very quiet fireworks so that the neighbors wouldn't be too bothered. Of course, hook, line and sinker... hand me the $40 cake of fireworks since they are quiet. I finally got out of the warehouse with a bill of $187 with another free $20 in explosives.

I immediately called my pyromaniac brother and told him of the cool shit that I bought. He was impressed until he checked with one of his sales reps who owns fireworks stores, on the cash I spent. Turns out that I overspent by a mere 400%. It definitely pays to know a fireworks sales person. Now we know for next year that we can get a retail fireworks display for 1/4 of the price, making it that much better than the anticipated show this year! It doesn't matter. Bring your tents. Bring your beers and drinks. A great time will be had by all who read this blog. If you don't get an invitation, please ask me for one. July 4th at the Baker residence. I can't wait!

THE CALL

I got invited to Stag Day today. For you bitches, Stag Day is basically "men's day" at the club. A bunch of good old boys get together to hit the long ball and talk about beer and women. Throw in a couple of birdies, beers and one irons and you have a complete day. For guys who are married, like myself, we talk about cooking and cleaning the house. Sometimes, we talk about Housewives of B'ville and the Next Super Duper Model Show.

Never-the-less, we are always aware that our wives can call at any moment and interrupt the day before it begins. Take tonight for instance. I was talking to a couple guys from my team about nothing in particular, when I got THE CALL! They were smart enough to crawl into a corner and secretly contact their better halves, before me, to update them on their progress. I advised that I would be contacting my wife to "check in" before I got THE CALL to check up on me. Since I was a good boy all day, and wasn't wasted or anything, I thought I was all good. Sure enough, while I was dialing, my phone rang from ... the wife. Duh.. duh.. duh!!!! She read my mind and beat me to the call!

Sweetness was all I heard. " Your daughter is headed to sleep. Should I expect you home soon?" Thoughts raced through my head. "Shit", I thought to myself. Just missed! I have only been gone since noon and here it is 8:30 at night. Not too long. Since golf takes, what, 8 hours for a round of 18 in a tourney, shouldn't I be safe? Then it struck me, I have a rational thinking wife who probably thought out the time frame. Five hours max. I overshot. I didn't pull the trigger soon enough! Why didn't I marry a dummy with a flat head and no teeth? I should leave while I can and arrive before my beautiful child goes to bed. I should score what points I have left so that I have a chance of playing again in the future! NO! BE A MAN! ORDER ANOTHER DRINK AND TAKE YOUR TIME! What did I do? I left.

Supposedly, it is a lot like training a dog. Teach them quick, be stern and they will learn. At least this is what all the divorced men that I know tell me. Tell your beatch to wait at home, bare footed and cleaning. Come home and take care of business and play golf when you want to. I know... You don't have to tell me. This is a pipe dream. Even though my beautiful wife did not demand it, I was at the door, waiting for my bowl of food and a doggy treat within fifteen minutes. My tail was tucked between my legs. I survived! I live to play another stag day..